The XJayDub Cafe

Am I Angry At God?

Sure , It started out that way.

I think that it is a common feeling that a Christian or person of faith experiences in the hills and valleys of trying to serve God. Many have been through unimaginable hurts from the church including sexual abuse so it is easy to transfer that hurt from the church into your life of worship. As both a Jehovah’s Witness and no- denominational Christian I know all to well the cover-ups by the leaders that often inflict even more harm on the victim. Then some of us are angry at God or the church for other reasons . Maybe you have been looked over and counted out by the members of your church when they were supposed to be there the most. Or in my case the reasons for why I was angry led me on a journey to question why I believed in the first place.

I haven’t been shy about my tumultuous upbringing as a child of two toxic Jehovah’s Witness parents . There was also the rough break up I had with the religion that has been one the most consequential decisions I have made thus far in my life for me and my family. My marriage though strong now has not always been that way and I suffered from many bad decisions that were made by me and my husband . But the one thing that had been a constant and inspiring to others along my journey as a “testimony” was my resilience and unshakable belief in God while practicing either the Jehovah’s Witness religion or versions of mainstream Christianity. I can remember being angry at God for not coming to see about me or my family. I could not reconcile my life with that of a God who actually cared. When Christians attempted to comfort me with the familiar proverbial wait on God trope that I had heard as a Jehovah’s Witness , I decided not to wait on God for the first time in my walk with Christianity. I decided to examine the reasons why both “Christians” of varying religious systems thought that waiting on God was the answer. I was often told that there was something that I wasn’t doing or that I needed to show God something or meet him halfway for him to show up.

However it was a never ending treadmill and when I lost my family over not believing in the doctrines of the Jehovah’s Witnesses I sank in to a deep depression. I was angry at God for allowing me to go some of the things that I had gone on and it was a never ending cycle of blaming myself so that God maybe glorified in the situation but it did a number on my psychologically as I could not reconcile how I was eternally at fault while God did not share the blame for being a no show in the most heinous situations that an all powerful God could be willing to stop. Then I started to read the bible as a secular book rather than a devotional as I had done all of my life and the magic wore off. I begin to see what I perceived as flaws not only in the text but the humanness of the book for the first time struck me and I began to go on a journey of what I believed about inspiration and the book that contained the God I was chasing after . Once I began to logically reason that my morality didn’t line up with the God of the bible I stopped being angry. You see , if I had the power, the wisdom and ability to help my children I would . I would be willing to do anything to protect them and keep them from harm . I was waiting on a God of human making that will never show up despite the feel good tropes that people of faith tell each other. They tell each other these things to keep each other believing with the dissonance sets in when God does not show up and you are left trying to basically read the” tea leaves” of the bible and guess at what God wants you to do in that moment.

So yes , I started out angry at God . I suppose if I still did believe in God I would be angry and would choose not to serve the God of the bible or the God fashioned in the image of human desire. That God abandoned me , that God sees atrocities everyday and has turned a blind eye to them for thousands of years. That God wants worship above all of our interests and needs and exacts never ending sacrifice . But now it wouldn’t make sense to say that I am angry at a being that I no longer think exists nor would be accurate.

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